GodQL - God's Query Language

God's omnipotence would be ineffective without the right tools - a supreme terminal, a handful of trusted executable binaries for Him to cast His will, and GodQL - God's query language. God uses GodQL to look up, among other things, people's traits, predisposition, mood, bias, personality, desires, failures, conversations, thoughts and everything else He needs to know about everyone. God is fully proficient in GodQL (partially because He designed it and partially because He's really good at everything) and can run an unlimited number of queries at any point in time.

Let's take a look at a simple "Hello world" in GodQL:

  GodQL> select count(*) from humans where impure = 1;
  +----------+
  | count(*) |
  +----------+
  |    7.79B |
  +----------+
  1 row in set (0.00 sec)
An oversimplified example that doesn't give God information beyond the common sense, but nevertheless a good introduction to GodQL. Consider the following more complex example:
  GodQL> select first_name, last_name, age
         from humans
         where dead_end_job = 1
         and sensitivity_coefficient > 0.7
         and mental_meltdown_date = TODAY();

+------------+-----------+-----+
| first_name | last_name | age |
+------------+-----------+-----+
|   Tasha    | Urick     | 30  |
|   Albert   | Delgado   | 37  |
|             ...              |
This provides more discrete data, which can be piped through other tools if an immediate intervention is required. A similar query can be run on those humans that are in close proximity to the returned in the above list and, again, piped through intervention or penance binaries.

GodQL comes in real handy during natural disasters, wars and global pandemics. Imagine, God would like to know the number of people infected by COVID-19 and calculate awareness and death rates for it.

  GodQL> select (died_of("covid19") / (infected AND tested)) as mortality
         having date <= 2020-03-23;
  +-----------+
  | mortality |
  +-----------+
  |   0.04357 |
  +-----------+
We can make two observations - One, GodQL is not quite SQL. Apologies to those who thought they'd be able to immediately master it (you will be required to use it after you die, keep reading for more info), and two, it can give us quick and accurate statistical data of the state of the human health at a particular point in time.

A more informative metric that God computes this month is that of those infected with COVID-19 who are not necessarily tested or aware of it.

  GodQL> select (died_of("covid19") / infected) as mortality
         having date <= 2020-03-23;
  +-----------+
  | mortality |
  +-----------+
  | 0.0073205 |
  +-----------+
Apparently, the number of people infected with the virus is an order of magnitude higher than that of those tested, so the mortality rate significantly dropped.


When people die, they are required to use a simplified version of GodQL. This serves as both a reward and punishment as people begin running queries driven by vanity, such that confirm their successful past life, but quickly succumb to curiosity and switch to querying times and events of failure, embarrassment, humiliation, pain, disdain, anxiety and desperation.

Very quickly, GodQL Lite becomes a source of great regret and bitterness. Consider the following common query that is run at a rate of almost 100% of the inquirers:

  GodQLite> select first_name, last_name
            from humans
            where relationship_compatibility.with($self) > 0.8
            limit 100;
Turns out, the significant others of the past life are not within the first hundred results in terms of compatibility in 99% of the cases, and that's empirically provable by running the relevant GodQL queries on the humans dataset as a whole.

Another highly run query is a variation of one that lists all times and events where the inquirer was successful or a winner or achieved a difficult goal. A simplified and possibly somewhat romantic example is:

  GodQLite> select * from $self.events
            where elation_coefficient > 0.8
            limit 3;

  +---------------------+-------------------------------+-------+
  | date_time           | subject                       | video |
  +---------------------+-------------------------------+-------+
  | 1995-08-20 10:35:02 | College graduation speech     |  link |
  | 2003-06-07 21:46:44 | Marriage proposal             |  link |
  | 2008-10-15 00:50:03 | First born child              |  link |
  +---------------------+-------------------------------+-------+
This query is usually immediately followed by the opposite one and variations there of.

Most souls begin feeling the highest levels of anguish when pulling the Missed Opportunities list followed by the Embarrassing Moments, Overreactions List and Times I Hurt a Loved One. However, the one single query that tops the charts for regret-inducing past life remorse is:

  GodQLite> select productive_hours, procrastination_hours, ratio($1, $2)
            from $self.stats;
  +---------------------+-------------------------------+-------+
  | productive_hours    | procrastination_hours         | ratio |
  +---------------------+-------------------------------+-------+
  |              81,566 |                     609,173   |  0.13 |
  +---------------------+-------------------------------+-------+
These are example numbers and have been interpolated as an average from a sample of 12 million randomly selected people. Keep in mind that the procrastination numbers include sleep and nap times, so feel free to modify this query as you wish when your time comes.


GodQL can be run on other people as well, both dead or alive. As a matter of a fact, it is very likely that someone is looking you up at this very moment and running queries on you as you read this. At the very list, your name regularly comes up in large datasets and global queries. GodQL doesn't know your future, but it can produce a high confidence, high accuracy probability for your future development.

  GodQLite> select event("Job Promotion").probability()
            from humans.future
            where human_id = `62ad9733-b4d6-435c-99f5-f4f9d2524822`
            limit 2020-03-%;
            -- Silvana Kaper
            -- 4545 Charter Street
            -- Shawnee, KS 66214
  +----------+
  | probab.  |
  +----------+
  |    0.007 |
  +----------+
  1 row in set (0.00 sec)
We know now that Silvana Kaper has virtually no chance of getting promoted at her work by the end of March 2020, but there is nothing we can do to change this since we don't have executable permissions to God's intervention binaries.

In 2012 someone was able to get access to those by exploiting a vulnerability in GodQLite, which allowed them to enter chroot and get user level 0 for a little over an hour. This person immediately attempted to improve the health and wealth of their loved ones and to increase the influence of a political faction they affiliated with while alive.

Fortunately, they made a mistake in the command line arguments and raised an exception triggering God's monitoring systems. The person has since been banished to Hell, with no access to even a terminal emulator. Given that, my advice to you is to respect the power of the divine tool to which you have been given access, and to humbly report any discovered errors and vulnerabilities to God. Don't forget where you are!